Walking With Coyote

So many changes and I am not sure where to begin.

I returned from Haiti, restored, riding the heat of that sun, warmed in my belly and hopeful for my life in Midian. This time, I came by choice.

Of course, shortly after I returned, things went mad. Rena had been simmering ever since Charles. Indi had grown darker. There was tumult among the Sarcina and trust was fracturing. Some had left. New ones had joined. And finally, one evening, Rena exploded, shooting peoples she held responsible for not coming to save her. She was in such pain, it broke my heart, and I believed her to have gone mad, broken finally. O appeared suddenly and rather than showing Rena the support I felt she deserved as one of her own (she calls us 'girls' which I mislike), she accused her of targeting those she loved, making it all about O. She flung her collar at Rena and ran off. I felt wildly confused. If this had been any of the leaders I knew, they would take care of safety first and lecture later. That is the nature of family, of the honfour. But O, I am coming to see, is weak this way. She is fragile emotionally and still feels ties to the one who enslaved her.

It was so chaotic. The first person Rena had shot was that same slaver, and his son is now the ruler of the Hounds. They were sniffing about Apocalypse, seeking the shooter and Indi and I split up, her to go after O, me to take Rena to my flat, hoping to keep her safe.

We talked and I grew more and more afraid she had gone mad, Indi finally joining us after getting O somewhat settled, when it finally occurred to us that this was a state of mind related to Rena being neko, part cat. I have since learned that it is a feral state and can happen to any of her kind. She went fully into her cat self and after a short tussle, we were able to tranquilize Rena.

Following that night, the Sarcina grew even more troubled. O left us and Momi stepped in to lead in her place. In contrast, all I felt was relief - Rena was not crazy, she had been temporarily out of her right mind because of her nature. I just felt grateful for that, you see?

I went to Ezili Freda Dahomey's shrine by the church. Regardless of having Papa Legba and Maman Ezili Danto upon my head now, Maman Ezili Freda, well, she has been with me since birth. I went there to make honors and to pray, and I had just finished when Jackson appeared, in a sociable mood.

Jackson and Marina, of the Hounds, the strange, wild couple who asked me to marry them. I did a full Vodou ceremony and for a short time, that part of the park, it was a real peristyle and the lwa, they were gratified. I could write pages about all the peoples I have met in Midian, but there is not the time for it. Suffice to say that Marina is one of the most wide ranging women I have ever known. She does everything deeply, loves, celebrates, and abuses. I have known that she has this dark side - one can not live here and NOT know it - but she has always been a good friend to me and since I conducted the wedding for them, a trusted friend.

Jackson, her husband, has come to me more than once wishing he could be Sarcina. He is a contrast, being of the Hounds, father figure to Nerio (Marina is his mother), yet seeming to want to serve the greater purpose of providing judgment and justice for those who have no other way. We have talked much and of course, he has become another trusted friend.

So when he wished to get a drink and we met Marina along the way, why would I worry? We went to the Pool Hall where the Hounds hold court, chatting small talk. And they tricked me.

They tricked me and they held me captive. Nerio waited there, some man and woman I barely know, and Marina. Jackson went back out and then Nerio told me he wanted to make me scream so that Rena would come to them and be held accountable for shooting his father.

Marina, she did not miss a beat. She volunteered to make me scream.

I have never been tortured. What Charles did, it was nothing like this. I did scream. I cried, I howled from the parts of my voice that belong to coyote. She had help, with the one called Janus coming in and nearly breaking my tail as he pulled, but it was mostly Marina. My friend. Then things went dark.

I next remembered waking on the sofa in our room behind the Shop, my hair unbound, wearing my flannel pajamas and feeling stiff. I had scars on my back, like those from a leather whip. Indi was near and she told me that I had been found, horribly hurt, and that the Hounds had done it. She had tended to me with Sherrice, and kept me drugged since, until Debra did her magic with her little nanite machines. Indi said I had seemed a madwoman and she had recognized the signs of what she called my 'spirits'. I had been attacking Jackson, there on the street by the park before he shot me. I recognized Ezili Danto, and could only surmise that whatever had been done, it had been enough to cause her to spontaneously horse me, to protect me. Whatever they did, it enraged her to her blooded state and I can only pray that she was merciful to those she encountered along the way.

You see, I remembered nothing. Not the torture, not being freed or being found, not the medical treatment although if I thought hard I could conjure hazy images of the clinic noises and smells. I did not even know what injuries I had been given - they were all healed save the scars on my back. It was like I existed in this strange blankness of being and it felt both giddy and terrifying.

Negotiations occurred, with Nerio offering Janus up as a retribution in order to avoid a war between our peoples. I felt so odd, so mystified. Here, they were speaking of all these terrible things that needed vengeance, but I felt like myself, last remembering my honors at Ezili's shrine.

The night came for the exchange and I got a call from Marina - she sounded serious and upset and asked to meet me. I suggested Ogou's shrine in the park, there by the fire barrel below the bridge.

She confessed everything and it brought all the memory back, up to the point where I assume Danto took charge.

I have never felt such a conflict of emotions. I felt unutterably betrayed, I felt again the agony of what had happened, and I remember gripping the edge of the fire barrel, burning my hands and not caring, feeling as if I would be ripped apart by the cries that wanted to come from my stomach and my heart. I finally calmed enough to pronounce judgement on Marina and I asked her if she would come willingly with me to receive justice. She seemed to be contrite and said she would and I gave her my rope to tie herself with, finally leading her to the Shop.

There I encountered a crowd of people, yelling and shouting obscenities, mostly Nerio, that filthy little spoiled thing. I said something, the truth of it, that Marina was the guilty one and that Janus' role had been paltry in comparison. She followed me into the back room and allowed herself to be put in the cage. I just stood there while everyone argued and made threats and more disgusting words issued from that boy's mouth. I did not care. I did not. Finally, Momi and Ari, they came, took her weapons, and put Marina on the cross.

I did not know what to do. I do not know how to torture people. My whole body seemed to be filled with this pain I did not know how to swallow, but it was not just the memory of the torment and her glee at giving it, it was the horror of knowing she was not and had never been my friend, she nor Jackson. She claimed she was following orders. But she had choice. She could have refused as could have Jackson.

I finally did what my own nature called me to do. I took blood and nails and hair and I made the ritual paste with those and my tears and my spit and I anointed her there, over Ezili Danto's drapo. Then I burned it, and the smoke it entered Marina and along with it, Ezili Danto, who now rules her head. I severed her ties of obeisance - if she was ever bound to obey, she is no longer. And Ezili Danto, if I call her, she will possess Marina. Danto, the rage of the revolution, she who avenges, she who is the weapon of hatred and revolt, she who decries those who abuse women and has no use for most men. She who requires blood. And then I let her go.

I like the irony. Perhaps I will do this. Perhaps I will call Danto to horse Marina and then show her Nerio, the one who orchestrated everything, including turning Rena over to the slaver Damian who severed her beautiful cat ears. Perhaps I cause Marina's body to wreak vengeance upon her monstrous son.

Tonight, the Sarcina wish to capture Damian for retribution against Rena. I think they look the wrong way. It is Nerio who is the monster. Nerio who now openly dates Rena which baffles me more than O's strange caring for her slaver. Nerio, who must be removed.

O loves a Hound. How can I follow her? I watched the tapes of what occurred while I was busy with Marina. She made disparaging comments about us, her 'girls', and actually stood there kissing her Hound lover while Nerio was vomiting his words all over us. And yet later that night, she is restored to us as our leader.

I cannot trust her. And I do not know if I can remain Sarcina any longer, though it breaks my heart to say it. How can I remain when none of them see what I see?